Is there a name for when you can’t put it out? You can’t because you don’t want to break the image you have, even of no one is watching. You can’t because you don’t have the privacy.
You can’t… because you can’t.
The silliest stories can bring tears to your eyes, but you can’t let it out. You don’t your face all red and wet. So you hold. You hold until you burst.
But that takes time. Specially with you, that takes a lot of time.
So you can’t.
You can’t because someone see you as a totem, a figure, a unbreakable person, a guy that you can count on, a guy who is a pain in the ass, but never a guy who put it out the feelings. Someone to mirror, someone to follow. And when you do that, you destroy that image.
"But he is just as fragile as I am, I need someone stronger.", some may think.
You can’t because you don’t want anybody asking. People ask and you don’t like that. You never have the answer.
You can’t because you don’t want anybody talking about it. People like to talk about it, they like to ask if you are ok. When you are not.
You don’t want anybody making fun of it. Because yes, there are people who will make fun of it, even if you are clearly not laughing.
So you can’t.
So you hold.
Hold until your chest start to feel heavy.
And you turn to the internet. You probably will delete that before it spreads. But for now you feel a little lighter. Not everything is out, but you can hold for a little longer.
And you smile. At work. At home. At the market. At the university.
I guess I can now imagine why some people get in their car and just drive for miles and miles. Maybe they cry there. Maybe they scream. Maybe they just drive.
Maybe some day I’ll have a place to put it out. A place where no one will see. No one will ask. Now one will mention it.